Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize