So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sober January is a disaster.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
