Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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