in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
