mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
