sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
