The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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