Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm passing your future prison.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
