Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
