Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
