sarcasm needs its own font
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
