woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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