im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
