Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
