Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
