In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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