You're completely useless in the revolution.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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