please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
