Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
