my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
