i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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