I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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