i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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