She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
