you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
