No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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