Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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