i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
