i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
