Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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