Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We smell like vodka and hangover
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