Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
