White coat. Heels.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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