Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
