I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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