So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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