it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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