I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
