My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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