I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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