Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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