I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
