shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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