She's JV to your varsity
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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