her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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