Barsexuality is the new black.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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