hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We need a shit load of segways right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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