I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
