The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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