God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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