You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
