Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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