Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
