My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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