Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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