I've blown a few things in my day
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
