I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
