I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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