I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
