Don't you send me to vm
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
