my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
