dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
