I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
