Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize