I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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